• just hit a fire hydrant, but i survived. #unbreakable
• can i help you move? i’m really good at it! afterwards i can take the cardboard boxes and use it for breakdancing.
• i can’t use my gps, but i figured it out. i just drove around in circles until i saw something familiar.
• anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!
• you look like encyclopedia brown.
• as your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you.
• the original title of this was: a lively fisting.
• i really like you, and i was wondering if you wanted to get a cup of coffee sometime.
• if you had gone to hogwarts academy, which house do you think you’d be in?
• i really need this party to go well, which is why i’m stress eating gummy penises.
• well, four years of work down the drain and i have a penis on my head.
• i hate doing work, but i love being flattered. so maybe i’ll give it another try.
• please put your pants back on.
• love? love fades away. but things … things are forever.
• what i hear when i’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.
• we’re just friends. he’s like the gayest person i’ve ever met, but i make out with him when i’m drunk sometimes.
• earlier, i was licking icing off of my finger and boom, i swallowed my wedding ring.
• one time i accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. i thought it was terrible wine.
• oh, one time i rode in a sidecar on a guy’s motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.
• i am not crying, ok? i’m allergic to jerks!
• that looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.
• i have never taken the high road. but i tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.
• i want to punch you in the face so bad right now.
• i’d like to say something. you are a wonderful person. your friendship means a lot to me. and you look very beautiful.
• but think how much better our friendship would be if we added…doin’ it.
• i just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!
• your/my nickname around the office is softypants mchuggable.
• let’s cut the bull, alright? you want this. i definitely want this. t.h. wants this. let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now.
• we should sue their parents for spawning a human turd burger.
• i cannot emphasize enough how little i was thinking.
• don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. he’s a grown man. fishing’s not that hard.
• scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. i believe i am that human being.
• i typed in your symptoms here and it says you might have… network connectivity problems.
• one time i was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again.
• i call noodles long-ass rice. chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. i call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. root beer is super water. tortillas are bean blankies. and i call forks…food rakes.
• i feel great. i ran 5k this morning. no, no i didn’t. i threw up in the shower.
• when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. i read that one on a can of lemonade. i like to think it applies to life.
• catching the number 12 bus to satan’s butthole?
• normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, i’d choose to do nothing. but i will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. i’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.
• one time my refrigerator stopped working and i had no idea what do to! i just moved.